CNUws

Captain Chris Gets an Orwellian Makeover

Dennis Minsler, August 21st, 2024

At Light the Night this Sunday, CNU students new and old were greeted by Captain Chris, the mascot of Christopher Newport University. He looked a little different, though; his eyes were red, and his smile a bit more menacing than it was before. He marched up to the microphone with confidence rarely seen in the formerly bashful Captain.

He told the students his name was "Big Chris", and that all at the university must address him as such or face expulsion. This was a shock to the audience, as Chris had never spoken before in public. Everyone was listening in silence and in awe.

"PLP is fun," said Big Chris. "Campus is dry. Lawns are cool." He then exited stage-left. Or would that be lawn-left?

It is currently unknown if this is an official change to the mascot's design on the part of the university or a strange joke played by a student. Officials said nothing of the incident for the remainder of Light the Night. We polled students in the DSU during lunch hours today, and most responses were in one of two camps: Some students say they're afraid of incurring the wrath of Big Chris, but others are confident that university officials simply had no clue how to respond to such a prank.

I would like to highlight one response we recorded that was particularly insightful:

  • "It's obvious. It's a joke, it's a joke from the school. Hazing is illegal now or something, and everyone's doing their best these days to get around the ban. Gaslighting the freshman class into thinking our mascot is a totalitarian dictator is a nice way of uniting everyone under confusion. It's not really hazing unless Big Chris tells them to do stupid stuff, I think, but I'm sure that's what they're planning. I think it's funny, it's great. A little more hazing could do everybody some good, you know, give them something to laugh about. I think that would solve a lot of issues with today's world."

    • This student later revealed to me that they were in the Inner Party, CNU's newest secret society. According to their official website, the Inner Party is a "group of likeminded students that support Big Chris in all his endeavors". In order to investigate the sudden change of our mascot, I have decided to do my best to join the Inner Party and see if the students in its upper echelons know anything about what happened to make Big Chris who he is today.

    I'm not afraid of the Party discovering my investigation. I have told no one except the only other person who writes articles for this site, and she won't tell a soul. There's no chance anyone else at the school finds and pays attention to this news page, so we're still going to publish updates on the case for nothing else if not our own stupid entertainment.

    Even if I don't fear the party, I wonder what all Big Chris is capable of. I hope to find out at the first society meeting next week. Assuming I survive, I will update upon my return.