CNUws

CNU Introduces Department of Prestige

Kaitlyn Shackleton, August 25th, 2024

Christopher Newport University is one of twelve "Public Ivy" schools in the country. Many formerly respectable schools, such as the University of Virginia and the College of William and Mary, have been removed from the list in the many years since its inception. Even though experts have declared CNU superior to these other schools, many students and onlookers alike hesitate to believe it is as prestigious as an Ivy. Some common reasons include:

And so on, so forth. I have my own reason, but we'll get to that later.

To combat these concerns, CNU has formed its very of Department of Prestige. This August, CNU sent an email out in waves to its students informing them of this change. According to this message, the department's purpose is to "ensure CNU is a prestigious environment and comes off as one to any prospective students or philanthropists who want their children to become students". The only other information on this email was the name and email address of Dr. Ava Benoch, newly appointed department chair. To learn more about the goals and plans of this department, we humbly requested an interview from Dr. Benoch, and she gladly accepted.

We are not permitted to say where exactly Dr. Benoch's office is. We cannot even describe its appearance. We are, however, allowed to provide a simple description of its smell. It's a bit musty in the hall outside the room. Dr. Benoch, I discovered upon walking into the office, covers up this smell by burning myrrh incense. The smells blend together and become far more disquiting than they were on their own. I hope we haven't lost another interview with her in the future by saying this, but I felt it was necessary to mention.

The following interview had to be censored in key areas to maintain the privacy Dr. Benoch has requested, but is otherwise uncut.

Hello, Dr. Benoch.

I'm not a doctor.

Um.

It's okay. I know it says I'm one on the email, but I didn't want to bother correcting anybody. I told them at the interview that I went to Yale, and they assumed I was a doctor from there on out.

Alright. What should we call you in the article?

Dr. Benoch will do. It's fine, it's who I am now. How does the place look? I just moved in.

Very [redacted]. You could use a little [redacted] on the [redacted]. Otherwise, it's all good.

Hm. You're from the school paper, right?

No. I run a website independent of the Captain's Log.

Oh, I see. Did you have a falling out with them? Did you stage an unsuccessful coup and get kicked out of the club? It's alright. I won't judge.

I have never been affiliated with the Captain's Log.

They excommunicated you?

No.

Well, if they did, I understand. When I was at Yale, I was in a club, and I tried to stage a coup, and then they excommunicated me.

Oh. That's sad.

Yes. We're quite alike. Now, were there any questions you wanted to ask?

Do you know why CNU has created this department, beyond what details we were given in the introductory email?

They want me to help them make the university's aesthetic more palatable. We're a Public Ivy, so we need to seem just as prestigious as an Ivy.

So we want CNU to be a highly prestigious public school.

No one will remember we're a public school in one year's time. That's how prestigious I'm making this place.

What changes do you think you'll make to bring prestige to CNU?

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. There'll be lots of trial and error. I tried to suggest some changes to the higher-ups, but they all said they wouldn't be easy to implement...

What changes were those?

We could've made the university private, and we could've relocated it closer to New England, and we could've revised some historical documents and claimed we were founded at the same time all the other Ivies were.

'All the other Ivies'?

We'll be one of them. Two years.

Alright. I have a follow-up. After those rejections, what easier changes do you think you'll try to get the school to go with?

I don't know, but I've been thinking.

I have a suggestion. You know a lot more about this stuff than I do, but hear me out if you can't think of anything else.

I can't.

CNU can be like the Ivies. No privitization, relocation, or falsification involved. And the students will eat it up. They always do. What CNU needs are secret societies.

Ah! Like Skull and Bones! Or the other ones at Yale, those ones for the seniors! And we'll be better, because everyone can join our socieites. And more socieites is more prestige! And the more well-known they are, the more prestigious they are. Everyone at Yale knows who's in Skull and Bones. That's why they're so powerful. That's why the school is so famous! We'll make secret societies for our students. We'll make so many that everyone's in one.

Strength is in numbers.

I'm going to start our newest society right now. And we'll also be the oldest, so we'll have the most prestige, and therefore the most power.

Well...

Well?

It won't be the oldest. There's... There have been older societies on campus.

I've never heard of them, and I'm an expert on secret socieites, so I believe you're mistaken.

You're an expert? How did you not think of this implementing societies before, then?

I told you, I was in was a secret society at Yale. We were the Society of Secret Society Appreciation.

And they kicked you out?

I don't like to talk about it.

Naturally.

So I guess I've repressed my love for secret socieites until now, but I'm not doing that any longer. Today marks the start of the CNU chapter of SOSSA, and I will be its president. Make sure you get that in the article.

Yes.

Everyone will know.

The two people who read the stories on my site will know. Maybe you could ask the school to send out another email?

No, just put it in the paper. They'll see it eventually.

I don't work for the paper.

Oh, I forgot! It's really sad what they did to you. It happens to the best of us. Here, I'll do you one better: You're going to be the vice president of SOSSA. I have a few things to attend to as president now, and some will require a good level of privacy, so I must ask you to leave.

...Alright.

I expect I'll see you again someday soon.

Most likely.

Spoken like a true VP. Now get out.

I am unsure what my duties as vice president of the Society of Secret Society Appreciation will be, but I doubt they will be plentiful. All Dr. Benoch has instructed me to do since our meeting is use 70% more 'nor's in my writing and daily conversation in order to uphold our group's prestigious image. She also said something about organizing a social before one of the other secret socieites that are sure to form does it first.