CNUws

Library Open 24/7 to Facilitate Secret Societies

Kaitlyn Shackleton, August 29th, 2024

Like the most of the news we report on, it all started with an email. Even people who check all their emails readily admit that they typically lack the time to read all the way to the bottom. Fortunately for the lazy majority, the dutiful reporters of this site have no life, and, consequently, all the time in the world to check their emails.

Some very important news was at the bottom of an email sent to CNU students this Monday--the Trible Library will be open 24/7 this fall semester. This change was requested by Dr. Benoch, head of CNU's newly formed Department of Prestige. The Department of Prestige has not required students to join and/or form secret societies, but it has taken actions to promote their formation. Along with asking the library to stay open, the DOP has sponsored showings of Dead Poets Society across campus, and is currently trying to enact a change we may report on at a later date if given permission.

Fortunately for readers, if readers do exist, the writer of this article has ended up as Dr. Benoch's lackey for the time being. Said writer was able to email Dr. Benoch about her rationale behind this decision. Here is her response:

  • "Hello again, Kaitlyn. From my experience, secret societies like to meet late in the evening in deserted or otherwise empty locations. I don't want students walking around Newport News in the middle of the night, and I really hate legal trouble, so I don't want any students dying on my behalf because they misinterpreted something I said. They don't believe you at all in court, and they don't understand how inconvenient it is when all your best witnesses are dead. I think that's a good sign of innocence. They don't. I forgot what I was emailing you about, but I'll assume it wasn't anything important and continue with my work. Don't forget about our meeting in my office Friday evening. I think we're being watched."

    • Hopefully, you are relieved to know the staff of CNU are focused on the safety of their students. I'd write a better conclusion, but I'm actually going to be busy for the rest of today changing all my passwords and closing all the blinds in my classrooms before anyone else gets there. If I haven't written another article by Tuesday, you can presume me dead.